“If you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism,” Dr Stephen Shore.

Or perhaps if you have met one person who is an introvert then you have met one person who is an introvert. Or some combination of the two, or someone who is just self contained. Simple enough.

Or perhaps if you have met one person who is selfish then you have met one person who is selfish. Or some combination of the three. But then again the last may have no relation to the first two. However it may sometimes be mistaken for them.

I was in the self check-out at the supermarket yesterday when a plastic kick-ball rolled beneath me and went right out of reach under the table. A young lady in her twenties retrieved it and stopped to ask me if I wanted to play kick ball with her? 

Well at the moment I can no longer imagine myself running in a field kicking a ball so I said, "No, not today."

Selfish.

It would have been generous of me to pay some attention to her for that brief moment.

"Yes! that would be a lot of fun."

On the other hand, paying attention is a bit of an art. An art I am not practised in. A positive response, worded badly, could also have been the wrong kind of attention, and that would not have been so generous.

God Bless America! I have spent an inordinate amount of time today recovering everything to access this old blog.

Looking forward
Spending time this way and then not

Spending time that way and then not
Moving on by going back
Winding down by giving up
Revving up by getting down
Narrowed focus with blurred vision
Letting go to keep hanging on

I've been laying low and off line for the past few years but now I am back.

Just built a new PC and am running Linux Mint on it.

There have been a lot of changes in my life and a lot of things remain the same, but of course I don't talk about that stuff very much.

I haven't thought too much about all of this but I will let the past be my guide.

There are ducks standing on the dam and my grass is too high.

there are no new concepts for any of us

Ever hear a new idea and liked it instantly?

That happens because the idea, even one you have never heard before, is already inside of you.

Concepts move through the cosmos and find homes in all of us without us being totally aware of them. If we are lucky we will stumble upon them one day and the circle will be complete.

path, no path

metaphor

if you are looking for the path of your life can you become lost on your way?

let go of the metaphor, life is just life

live and learn

this is something that many people seem to be against

why be against anything?

be for something

don't surrender

you can leave late and arrive early

three questions

What are you reading now?
I just finished "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy" by William B. Irvine. I was very disappointed when I came to the end because I really wanted to keep reading! I guess I picked up some momentum in the course of the read. I am reading "The Unfettered Mind" by Takuan Soho on the side, it seems I am always reading some book on the side, so to speak. Soho was a 17th century Zen Buddhist monk. The book I am starting on now is "Working Out, Working Within" by Jerry Lynch. It may promise more than it delivers, we shall see.

What are your current projects?
Well I want to ramp up my exercise program. My job is 100 percent sedentary and that is killing me slowly. I want to put my house in a different order than the one it is now, I have too much of the mad scientist environment going on at the moment. And I want to write more.

What is your greatest fear?
Well you know nature films have gotten better and better over the years so along the way I decided that Lions were about the best thing to be afraid of!

waiting

“Neither should a ship rely on one small anchor, nor should life rest on a single hope”

“It takes more than just a good looking body. You've got to have the heart and soul to go with it.”

Epictetus

Just sitting here waiting for a call regarding an echocardiogram I had this week. Of course I don't know at the moment why they have to talk to me so this must be a cosmic test.

Beyond that I am feeling better, losing weight, reading and thinking on the waterfront. Looking for a truth that will suit me, not the phrase that I thought I would use when I started to write it but closer to the truth for all of us, don't you think?

I was reading a book at lunch today because I knew I would be alone for a change. I was hoping someone would notice the title but I don't think anyone did. That is an idea that entered my mind and wouldn't leave, like a signpost planted at an intersection that said "You are not where you want to be!"

I am reading books about Stoicism, Zen and Enlightenment now-a-days, I think they go together pretty well. I've even gone to all the discount book stores this past week, nosing around, something I use to do all the time but stopped when I became one of Amazon's best customers.

Sometimes I feel like I am walking on a surface that is not the same one that everyone else is on. I don't get this feeling when I am cutting the grass or cleaning the house, I think that signpost is there again.

Whatever level I am on it is time to step up to the next one. There was a women's triathlon held near me a few weeks ago and the lady who won it said she trained twenty hours a week.
This is a lot more exercise than I am getting now but no more than I have done in the past. Right now I am doing about six hours a week and making progress but not in all the right places.

Well the call never came through so i will spend the weekend wondering.

point of view

I met a girl who said she could interpret dreams.

I said okay, this is what I dreamed last night. I was flying in the tail of an XB-35 and I heard the pilot reciting poems by John Keats and Robert Browning but he didn't know the words.

She turned and walked away.

imanginary monologue

"I have it right here in my hand, this is it, this explains how the world should work! Why doesn't anyone else have this information?

This is so frustrating! What is wrong with these people? I just don't get it!

This makes me so mad!

C'mon people! Get it together! What is wrong with you? I am so tired of dealing with this."

And so it goes. I don't think anyone actually thinks this out in their heads exactly the way it is written down here but I do think that a lot of people think through parts of this and they do it all the time. I can't explain why.

Take that imaginary piece of paper that has your design for the universe on it and erase everything. Start everything with a clean sheet of paper, a zero point, forget about your expectations of others.

Life will be so much easier.

walking on air, stepping in shit

Everyone feels disconnected from everyone else sometimes.

An introvert feels this way most of the time, and isn't bothered by it.

Nevertheless the message delivered by society is that we all should be connected.

So what happens when a person who has built a solid foundation to stand on in life expands the number of people he deals with?

Well of course he finds that the world is not as he would hope it to be.

The road of self development puts us on a little bit different plain than other people. This is not a better or worse place just a different place. Like walking on air but so close to the ground that no one would notice. Then we must deal with those who do not make an effort to set the stones of their foundations on solid ground. We deal with the guiding forces of undirected minds, fear and selfishness and many others.

Of course it is puzzling.

If the path you have chosen is right then navigating through will not be a problem.

going electric

The children went to their island and delighted in mangling idioms and patting each other on the back. They spoke loudly, cheered at the flat screens, grew roots, rusted and got stuck without knowing it. They were sure of themselves.

The days and nights slipped slipped along. No reason was found to interrupt the twenty four seven and challenge reality. All good things would surely pass to them for this had been foretold in their pasts. Results were inevitable, effort was not necessary, they were sure of themselves.

The electronic reminders clanged away all day long telling them that they were real. They took pictures of each other, thanked each other for the adds and could not be alone. There was no time to waste even as they saw all around them the failed results of intemperate decisions and the time wasted. They remained sure of themselves.

They slept through the morning of each new day and ignored the beacons provided for their direction. No need was found for change, failure was an option, someone would look out for them even as they bellowed that they could look out for themselves. Wants were all that mattered, they were sure of themselves.

The island was not real, it had no water around it, it was just where it had always been and these children were like many that had come before them for thousands of years only now there were more of them than ever before. They all talked about being honest and complained that everyone else was fake but who could blame them? They had no chance to endure the trials of life sustaining labor for they had easy employment in things that did not really matter.

________________________________________________________________

does bob still pound on an olivetti?

the difference

The differences between being a man and a boy is your ability to face what life hands you.

My nephew has a chance at a good paying job but it is 1200 miles from home and it presents other lifestyle changes to him.

At the age of 32 he is nervous and excited.

I told him he shouldn't be.

I explained to him that he has been living his life as a boy and it was time to leave all of that behind.
In his life he needs daily contact with a great number of his friends, he needs to 'hang out' with people, he needs to idle away his time in the company of others, he needs constant reassurance of his value. This is the life of American youth.

I explained to him that as a man he should go about his life doing his business. He should live among people not live as part of a group.

I pointed out that 'hanging out' was something that people with nothing to do, no money and no direction did.

People who live life do not 'hang out', they might visit other people, they might go places with other people, they might do things with other people, but they don't have a need to just be around their friends as much as possible.

I also explained to him that as a man he could just face the challenge of his opportunity and take care of things. As a boy he is anxious and afraid and unsure.

You're not an adult when you pay your own bills or live on your own. Those are mundane tasks in our society that are not too demanding.

You're an adult when you can deal with things effectively and rationally without the help of others.

karma

A friend was looking forward to attending her class reunion with great anticipation.

She even worked it out so that she could bring a sister, who knew everyone there, so that her husband would have someone to talk to while she danced with her old friends. You see, he doesn't dance.

Well sister is a little off the wall and, well, she really made an impression on everyone at the party.

Said and did lots of things that she shouldn't have. Embarrassed the hell out of my friend.

Probably won't attend the next reunion.

Of course this was just karma in action.

If her husband danced then nothing like this would have happened. Sister would not have been there.

I told her I would take dancing lessons with her.

just a little

Took last week off. Was lazy at first. Then my nephew, Geoff, got the call that the buyers of his house wanted him out a week early. Finished the week in quite a hurry. He did most the work. Now he is living in my house.

You can't catch something with a closed fist. You must open your hand. So life throws things at us and most of us have a closed fist. The closed fist is our mind games, our delusions, our own personal reality. Even those of us who have realized this and worked through it often seem to be closed to the world. The place of freedom they have found being just another mind game.

Geoff brought his two dogs with him. Pit bulls. Big babies. I feel sorry sometimes for the big one. He is just too big to sit with a person the way dogs love to do. Then I wonder if I am just identifying with him. Mind games.

I told Geoff he needed to have a number of irons in the fire. He needs to generate some independent means of income. Something to work with if he finds himself unemployed in a receding economy. Now it seems I may need that too. It is a bit gloomy at work. Corporate is moving work out of the building. I think the average age is rather high. People are left wondering if the business will still be at this location long enough for them to retire.

identity

For a moment, I identified with my brain tumor.

I suppose this has happened before, with other things, but I really don't remember.

It was perhaps the realization that technically it is a brain tumor. Technically. I really don't think of it as such since it is below the brain. I feel a little guilty sometimes when I say it. For dramatic effect only it seems.

The point is that, for a moment, I had something that I used to identify myself with. That moment has passed.

I am back to not needing anything to identify myself with. I am just myself.

Identifying yourself with something external seems to be part of the human condition. You do not need to look too carefully at people to discern this among many of them. It works for them so no need to worry about it.

What happens if the something goes away?

tipping points

Tipping points reached and passed.

I have reached the point where I no longer have anyone to turn to for I am the one that friends and family turn to.

I have a pituitary tumor that has been messing things up for years. It is under control now and vitality is returning.

I am through with those who cannot see beyond themselves.

I realize that all of us are largely delusional, this enables me to realize my own delusions as they come and go.

i give no meaning

Sometimes, people say things, you know, insulting things, stupid things, nonsense.

I do not give what other people say any meaning.

If it has no meaning then it has no effect.

I live in my moment. Not in the moments of others.

snapshots

Bikes: Suzuki GSX1100G, Kawasaki ZX14, Yamaha TDM850
Thanks to Killboy.com and US129photos.com for use of the photos.
These are pictures from our spring 2009 trip.

listen to music

7,514
Number of songs on my portable hard drive.
Play them through the PC everyday at work.
Random selections.

currents

I find that as I give less meaning to my own thoughts other people give more meaning to them.

Thousands and thousands of years ago our ancestors developed a scarcity gene. Food was scarce, shelter was scarce and other people were scarce. Everything was hard to come by so when you found what you needed you latched onto it. This is not true anymore but we are stuck with the predisposition.

what I learned this past year (how trite)

Change.

As Ringo would say, it don't come easy.

Much has changed and much has not.

Once again my personal efforts fell short of noticeable achievement.

Nonetheless, change must be an irresistible force because it came anyway.

A story line came to and end. The last page of a book was reached. A new narrative was begun.

Our mother passed away this past year. Heartbreaking. A voice lost, someone I talked to every single day is gone.

As one force is spent so others were unleashed. I've avoided speaking of family in the past and will continue this policy now that I have deleted what I was writing a minute ago. I guess it is just not in my character to speak ill of someone as I would have to in one case.

Well what have I learned.

I learned that if I don't exercise I will be in a lot of trouble.
I learned that I can handle whatever life throws at me.
I learned that there are more people who have strong feelings on my behalf then I would have guessed.
I learned that I have more than I need and want more than I need.
I learned that I cannot have everything I want.
I learned that not everything works the way it should as I get older.
I learned that if gas spends much time at four dollars a gallon it will cost me way to much to live where I am now.
I learned that sharks circle when they smell blood.
I learned that sometimes you can make plans and that sometimes that is all they are, plans.
I learned that their are some pretty weak characters who underestimate the strength of others.
I learned that I have been a caregiver for years and didn't know it.
I learned that there are a lot of people who don't know what they are doing but the world muddles along just the same.
I did not learn where all that lost money went to!

Back soon.

Promise.